What Happens After Betrayal
Our Episode 1 podcast guest returns for a deeper dive.
Curious about what happened to our guest from The Not Safe For Mom Group Podcast, Episode 1: My Ex’s Sinister Secret: A New Mom’s Shocking Discovery? In this riveting story of betrayal, our guest shared her it’s-almost-too-bizarre-to-be-real story about a secret she found out about at just 12 weeks postpartum, and the split-second decisions that changed the course of her life forever. We knew Mom Group wanted more, so we put out a call on Instagram Stories for folks to send in the questions they wanted to ask this guest, now that they’ve had time to take in her story. Read below for a deeper dive into what happened after the explosive event, and some life advice from our guest to one of our members.
If you haven’t had a chance to tune in, you can listen right here:
Your Questions About the Episode, Answered:
Was this man prosecuted?
What a lesson in international law this was. No, he wasn’t. The videos were so long that I could only email myself one file in the short time that my ex was drying off after his shower. The case is out of *everyone’s* jurisdiction and wasn’t prosecutable in any country because this video/crime was taken in Belgium by a citizen of Poland and Canada, residing in America, with a victim in Sweden. No one would touch it.
The longer details: The videos were so long that I could only email myself one file in the short time that my ex was drying off after his shower. That video was the only evidence that I had on hand and that video was taken in Brussels, but the victim (a friend of mine to this day) is Swedish and was living in Stockholm by the time I found the video five years after it was taken. I told the victim, she went straight to the police in Stockholm and filed a detailed report that included the file as evidence. I also went to the police in California with the file and the details because that’s where my ex had been living, and where I found the video. This made the case out of *everyone’s* jurisdiction and wasn’t prosecutable in any country - this particular crime was committed in Belgium by a citizen of Poland and Canada, residing in America, with a victim in Sweden.
How do you explain the breakup to friends and family? And did you get any pushback?
It depended on the closeness of the person, and to whom they were closest (my ex or me). After kicking him out of the house, I called my best friend and told her very plainly what had just happened - she was 100% supportive from the jump. Then I called my parents - I told my dad first because he picked up. He pushed back at first as part of his psychological process, which is very typical of him. He processes social-emotional inputs more slowly and with more logic. He quickly got on board, like in seconds. My mom was 100% supportive. I told our closest friends in-person because it was so shocking and I knew that they were victims of both his overall betrayal as well as his crimes. As I was ready, I emailed friends who were further away geographically or interpersonally. I never got any direct pushback from friends, but I did hear through others that there were some fathers, husbands and mothers of my friends who questioned whether or not what he did was really that worrisome. I did so much of my own vetting, that I was prepared for pushback and I have never been threatened by it because I am so clear on the reality of the situation.
As for his family, that’s a whole other novel.
I have a friend whose husband was abused . . . My friend’s husband has cheated many times. Goes to brothels. Has alcohol abuse issues and can get violent when drinking. Any suggestions on resources to share with her to consider carefully before deciding this is someone she wants to have a child with? I’m concerned she’s not fully aware of the risks to her child. - P.
I’m no mental health professional, but my hot take is that these are all bright red flags for a very complicated coparenting journey. While I don’t have any direct resources beyond broad recommendations (he should seek therapy!), she should see a therapist who has worked with survivors of childhood sexual assault to find out what pitfalls may lie ahead. Most importantly, she cannot do the healing work for him - he will never “get better” if he doesn’t find his own resources and commit to that path on his own.
Here are some resources our guest provided us that could be helpful:
Links to Places that Can Help:
