How to Ask for Help as a New Mom
Becoming a mother is a challenge like no other — ask any woman who's done it before or anyone who has heard a new mother vent about their exhaustion. For some, labor is the easier part of the two, and postpartum is where things really go south. Everyone says “It takes a village.”
The phrase is true, but the thing is, those same people telling us this, don’t tell us HOW to lean in on this said village – or where to find it.
In 2022 it is especially hard to find folks to depend on when our communities have been thrown into such disarray because of the pandemic. Who is there to support us as new moms? Who is there to help us get essential sleep when it seems impossible, who is there to make sure we’re eating those 300 extra-nourishing calories a day while breastfeeding/chestfeeding (if we choose to do so) when all we can do during the .5 seconds our babies sleep is brush our teeth, or take a shower or scroll mindlessly through social media?
While it might feel like we have to do it all ourselves, because society (and the media) convinces us that we should, we need help and lots of it. Here are some ways to tap into our existing support systems, friends, and family as new moms when trying to survive the postpartum period.
Friends
Having a baby is a sure-fire way to find out who your true friends are. Becoming a new mom can be extremely lonely, and those that are your true friends will be there for you through it all. Best Friends For Life should also include support through postpartum. Friends are go-to helpers as you begin your journeys as mothers. Don’t hesitate for a second to ask for help — you know you’ll be there doing the same when your friend becomes a mom, too. When asking for help, be specific when describing what you need. No one is going to be insulted if you give them specific instructions, and trust me, you don’t want to leave them guessing because most of the time they’ll guess wrong.
Bring You Meals
As you transition to life as a new mom, your focus is solely on keeping your baby alive by feeding them the nutrients they need and tending to their every. single. demand. But spoiler alert, you also need to eat and keep your body nourished in order to keep up. When you start to hear congratulations from friends and the requests to visit pour in, one of the best ways to ask for help is to invite them to bring meals. If you’re a people pleaser or worry about being rejected from your ask, here is some specific verbiage for you: “Yes, you can definitely come to see little [insert precious name here]! Would you mind bringing a meal with you? My time to cook is limited and I want to give you my full attention when you come!” You could even put a meal subscription service on your baby registry or ask for delivery app gift cards as a way for friends who live far away to contribute. Or, assign a friend to organize a meal train on your behalf.
You’ll find your preference for homemade vs. takeout drastically declines after you’re used to shoving whatever is available down your gullet. What’s important is having a stocked fridge so you can quickly microwave a plate for dinner. Friends want friends to be happy, healthy and comfortable. They’ll be pleased to know providing a meal is an easy way to help you transition to parenthood.
Watch the Baby
If your friend is visiting and you have a couple of chores to do, ask them to watch your baby as you get caught up around the house. This especially comes in handy if your friends have baby fever, definitely capitalize on the cuteness of your little ones, and never underestimate the persuasive power of that newborn baby smell. If they’re uncomfortable, they’ll (usually) say so, and you can set any ground rules that will make you feel comfortable leaving them alone.
Explain what you need to do around the house, how long you'll take, and where you'll be if your friend needs you.
Maybe they’ll even insist on doing the chores themselves, while you and baby rest.
Keep You Company
Sometimes all you'll want is a friendly face and a bit of support. If you have to run an errand, invite your friend along. Even the smallest outing can feel monumental to the parent of a newborn. You’d be surprised at the strength your friend can lend by just being present on your trip.
Explain why you’d like them to come on your trip to the grocery store. Once they understand, they’ll be happy to provide the support you need.
When you’re deep ‘in it’ it is easy to forget how fun it is to vent, to laugh, to see your friends, and be reminded of who you are outside of your baby.
In-Laws and Parents
Asking for help from your in-laws and parents might depend on your relationship. It’s obviously much harder to navigate if your relationship is strained, or if your parents and/or in-laws still think raising a baby means letting them suck on a pacifier dipped in whiskey. However, if you're closer with your parents than your in-laws, consider having your partner ask them for help. When asking for parental assistance, be specific and set boundaries so nobody oversteps them, even if well-meaning. It’s extremely important to stay true to your parenting values in these times. Yes, they are helping you, but it’s still your baby.
Prepare Food
Repeat after me: LEFTOVERS. Allow your parents or in-laws to take over your kitchen to prepare meals that you can reap the benefits of for days. As you probably have discovered, parents enjoy feeding their children. Most of the time, your parents will just be happy that you’re letting them into your newborn cocoon, so making a plan in which you’ll both benefit is a great solution.
Join in the Night Watch
Night wakings can often be the most DREADED part of postpartum. Try not to make the mistake of insisting/believing that only your special shushing skills are what will ease the baby back to dreamland. If you have willing help, TAKE IT ON. This is not a time to be a martyr unless you are curious why sleep deprivation is indeed used as a form of torture. Consider just asking your mom to wake up with you to help as you transition to this change.
Your Partner
Your partner has just as much a responsibility to raise your baby as you do, regardless of the fact that the baby came from your body, or if you’re feeding it with your own body. Your partner is your ally in the crazy and beautiful changes parenthood introduces into life. Lean on them like never before, communicate ALL of your needs, and ensure you're on the same page regarding expectations for caring for your baby.
Help Around the House
You’re still going to be bleeding, wearing a diaper, and barely able to poop, so vacuuming should be the last thing you’re doing. Asking your partner (or family member, or friend) to take over some of the household chores until you fully heal is not only ideal, it’s necessary. Hopefully, your partner will be happy to pick up the slack until you're feeling better. If you’re a perfectionist, it’s going to be VERY hard to watch them wipe the counter the wrong way, or fold your clothes the wrong way, but in the end, it’s essential to your mental and physical wellbeing. That’s no exaggeration. It’s so worth it to relinquish control for that moment in time. Rather than put your recovery at risk, ask your partner for help
Become a Bouncer
Asking for help can be challenging, and sometimes saying no can be even harder. Setting boundaries is one of the most important parts of your mental health postpartum. If it still pains you to say no, it might be helpful to ask your partner (or someone close to you) to be your designated bouncer — a person who will make your point clear without putting the stress on you. Give them a black shirt, a stool to sit on at the door, and have them act like everyone you don’t want to enter has a fake ID. Chances are they’ll love the sense of authority. You may tell a visitor you’re tired, but they don’t take the hint and leave. Your partner slash “bouncer” can swoop in and say, "It’s time to go.” Or, here’s a trick: Announce to visitors, “Oh, looks like it’s time to take my boobs out and change both our diapers!” At the moment, you have enough on your plate — new baby, recovering body, and more — and you don’t need someone who doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries.
Get the Help You Need
If you surround yourself with a caring support network, you should not have to go into motherhood alone. Your friends and family are there for a reason, and they might be waiting for an opportunity to help you out. The village you need might be the village you already have – you just have to ask the folks in it to step it up.
