A Good Mom Doesn’t Have to Do It All
Lessons from The Parenting Mentor
“Being a mom doesn’t mean being The Entertainment Committee.”
Back in the fall, when schools had opened back up full time, I had made a promise to my kids: That I would be the one to pick them up from school each day. I don’t know why I said this, but it sounded good at the time, and I knew that the kids would be thrilled. We had been “babysitter-less” for a while, and had gotten into a groove of, well, codependence. But at the same time, my own work was picking up as well as the expectations of society in general around productivity now that “Covid was letting up.”
I attempted to “do it all” at the beginning: Work until end of the school day, pick up the kids, bring one kid to Jiu Jitsu, entertain the other one while that was happening, haul everyone home, and oversee homework while prepping dinner. My second shift began late in the night, after their bed time (complete with a fun activity, orchestrated by me, and finishing at 9 pm) and dinner with my husband (9:30 pm). I kept up this routine, barely sleeping, and doing THE MOST, until my body was like, “excuse me. Hello. Could you cut me a little slack? P.S. You’re over 40.”
I hated the fact that I couldn’t swing working full time and being Super Duper Fun Mom full time.
Admitting that I needed help made me feel extremely guilty, and the kids made me feel even worse when I told them the news.“Aw man,” said my youngest. “You said you were going to be our babysitter this year.”
The young woman I hired was perfect: fun, warm, super smart, loving, great with my non-binary child’s pronouns. And yet, I could not bring myself to actually let her do her job. I’d find reasons to show up at pick up nearly every day, confounding both the babysitter and my kids: “Why are you here?” And then I would bathe in the glory of being the GOOD MOM who showed up, shirking my work responsibilities to accompany them all to the playground. The new babysitter and I would sit side by side, watching the kids who, at ages 7 and 10 didn’t actually need either of us to “play”. I’m pretty sure she was wondering why I had asked her to pick the kids up in the first place if all she was going to do was warm the seat of a bench and keep me company for a few hours. I probably seemed like I needed a friend.
We continued on this way for a while, tag teaming the care of two easy-to-care-for kids who were likely quite ready to be cared for by someone other than me. I was the one who wasn’t ready.
It was around this time that Sue Groner aka The Parenting Mentor, invited me onto her podcast. At first I didn’t know what I would talk about with her. I don’t have any parenting problems, I thought. My kids are ‘old’. Things are under control. Aren’t they? I had to let her invitation for me to ask her anything about parenting linger before it sunk in: I was feeling guilty about giving up my role as Operations Officer in my children’s lives. I was not allowing myself to delegate any of the mental load of motherhood because I felt like it would make me less of a “good mom.”
Listen to the episode to hear how Sue reframes what it means to be a good mother (hint: It doesn’t involve being your children’s everything, including their full-time entertainer) and explains that yes, even though your kids probably do want to be with Mom more than anyone it is good and healthy for them to learn to be with someone who is not you. She also offers solutions on how to give up the mom guilt, and create a schedule that ultimately benefits everyone.
Click below to listen to Episode 42: When Mom Guilt Rears Its Head (full episode) on The Parenting Mentor Podcast and learn more about Sue Groner’s services here.
