My Baby Prefers My Unsupportive Partner
My Baby Prefers My Unsupportive Partner
by (nsfmg) Community
The (nsfmg) Roundup: All the DMs we posted on Instagram Stories, collected in one place.
From Our Instagram Stories dated August 11, 2020.
"Hey Mom Group:
Most days I feel like I'm failing at motherhood which is compounded by my unsupportive husband who doesn't positively contribute emotionally or financially. I'm left to pay the bills, manage our responsibilities and do the chores while he sits around being Disneyland Dad. The disappointment would be easier to cope with if it weren't for my 15 month old son worshipping his dad while showing only mild interest in me. My heart breaks when my son doesn't want to come to me or is indifferent when I leave the house. He seeks out his dad and cries when dad goes anywhere. I'm no kindergarten teacher, but I try so hard to be a great mom - why doesn't he like me? I'm grateful that my son has a fun dad he loves, but I feel shut out by their bond and very insecure. Rather than closing the gap, my husband exploits this advantage which isolates me more. It's driving me into depression - I just want to give up." — N.
Dear Anonymous:
“My god this woman is me . . . my husband does the bare minimum to help with our daughter. I love her more than life itself, but I did NOT sign up for HIS shit. I literally just want to tell him to go away and to not return. We don’t need him.” — N.
“Sounds like you need a vacation away from them. Can you see a friend out of town? Maybe a day away from them will give both children (dad and actual 15mo) a chance to see what life would be like without you?” — M.
“Not a mom, but grew up with a dad who was like this. I’m in my mid-twenties now, and my parents are (finally) divorcing. My dad was a fun parent, but he wasn’t a good parent, and a lot of the things my mom grit her teeth and put up with because she thought I would be better off with him around, actually caused me a lot of harm and trauma. This mom’s story might not quite be the same, but it feels full of red flags to me. Disneyland Dad isn’t good enough — and it might be just as bad for your kiddo, in the long run, as it is for you. FWIW, the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” has been really helpful, to me, in understanding why my “Disneyland Dad” did so much damage to me and my mom.” — Anon.
“It wasn't until after my parents divorced when I was in about 3rd grade that I remember my Dad being more of a "parent." Before that he was the fun one, the guy who made pancakes and omelets and the guy who always worked. After the divorce, I learned more about him and he learned more about us, and also did chores and got in arguments with us. Sometimes I wonder if we'd be as close now if not for the divorce.” — J.
“I identify with this mom. I left my daughter’s Disney Dad, but am very thankful my bond with her has always been super tight. However, when I take her visit him she starts saying, “Dads the best, Moms the worst.” And then proceeds to say the most hurtful things...and she’s only four years old! He’s the fun dad — always has been. (I’m a fun mom, but I also emphasize prioritizing things that we don’t want to do in the moment because it benefits us in the long run.) . . . But looking back on our relationship before kiddo, he was usually the “fun one” and I was the one making sure bills were paid and laundry was done and on and on. No relationship advice... Take some deep breaths. I remind myself that my daughter will be indifferent to me in the future . . . I did it to my parents, too. No phase lasts forever. And if your son’s indifference does last — well, you have a head start on the rest of us and will probably be the person we seek out for advice in the future.” — H.
“I empathize and I feel this often. My husband is a very involved father, and contributes plenty to our home so that’s a bit different. But I carry the mental load and am the one who does ALL the behind-the-scenes work for our 2 year old son. My son prefers his dad in every situation, for everything. It’s so freaking hard. I also have guilt from over a year of PPD that kept me from really connecting with my son. I was convinced he didn’t love me at all. It was awful. Coming out of the depression earlier this year, some of the guilt has subsided and made my time with my son better. And as [my son] gets older, I know our bond will strengthen because I have much more emotional capacity and maturity than my husband. Medication and therapy helped my depression and helped me to more calmly handle things so I recommend this if you can. It was fucking HARD though and I still have moments of devastation. But it IS getting better and I know it can for you, too!! I felt so alone when I was experiencing this, thinking I must be crazy and no one would take me seriously. Please know that you are NOT alone. Not at all.” — V.
“Not dealing with this exactly, but way over dealing with a lame dad. But what am I supposed to do? Leave him? At least I know my toddler’s teeth get brushed when I’m the one doing everything." — S.
“At the end of the day, I know my sons love me more than they love dad. It’s frustrating. It’s exhausting. It’s hard. But I am their number 1. I am the moon and the stars in their sky. And I wish my husband could play nicer and take some of that pressure off. Sometimes I wish they had a better relationship, loved him more. And it’s hard to be more on their side than his. It’s lonely. I didn’t think I’d be doing all of this myself. I miss the partnership I thought we were going to have. But I am never going to sell my boys short, wishing over what if’s.” — S.
“My girls were obsessed with their dad, wanted him when sick, cried when he dropped them at daycare but ran off to play without issue when I did, got mad when I came to pick them up vs my husband. This lasted until they were 2+3, then my oldest switched to preferring me and shortly after the younger one followed suit and now only want their dad when he’s busy or I’ve told them no. It sucks but know it can just be a phase! I am SO NOT into “playing” and I think contributed to their original preference for their dad.” — R.
“My son showed a preference for dad at this exact age and it really stung. I hated it! And it feels so disheartening when you feel like you’re doing all of the work and dad is reaping the rewards. Know that he adores his mama. Your little one will be back to being all about mom in no time, but that doesn’t make your situation with your husband any easier. And I’m sorry he isn’t being fully present and supportive. Can you to talk to him and let him know how you’re feeling and what point out what he can do to make things better? Would he be receptive to that?” — T.
“Oyyy! So many of my mama friends and family have had similar situations where the baby/toddler “preferred” dad. Kids go through phases of favourites all the time (even though it feels like forever)! We all cope by trying to have great sense of humour about it. (I sneeze when I pee just for you to like dad more? Wtf!) Know you’re not alone, things will shift, and there are things you don’t even realize that only you can do/be for him. In terms of your partner, he needs to get on the same page as you!! I highly recommend couples therapy if you can. The passive aggressive super dad is the f*cking worst!!” — A.
“I second what this Mom said! My daughter is one and definitely gets more excited to see my husband but I think it’s because I’m so familiar to her and I have to do all the annoying stuff like brush her teeth and clip her nails. Men often get to ride in on a chariot and be the fun one, yet another amazing side effect of the patriarchy. We do so much emotional labor keeping track of everything so we might not be able to be as carefree and present as the Dads can be with our littles. So I always try and carve out at least an hour a day where I play with my daughter and don’t think about ANYTHING else. It has helped me feel more connected to her. Also, as a preschool teacher I can attest that some kids just vibe better with certain adults. You might be the preferred teacher, you might not. It’s all about personalities and even if it hurts you have to respect your kid’s opinion/preference and know it will not always feel that way.” — T.
“Ugh my heart sinks for this mama. As an actual kindergarten teacher and nanny and mom myself I can confidently say that children often don’t express over the top emotions of excitement or happiness with the caregiver they trust the most. I’m sure your stability and boundaries provide your child comfort and ability to let out the more difficult emotions. What looks like indifference is actually trust in knowing you are a rock.” — F.
“A different perspective on this - my parents divorced when I was 1. My dad had visitation every other weekend and every Monday (but we were in school most mondays so really it was like dinner only). My brother and I used to get super excited to see my dad simply because we didn’t see him as often as we saw our mom. Dad had rules and chores too, but his house was just more fun. More activities that my mom didn’t do (bike rides, family time in the backyard, day trips to the beach, etc). As a kid I never considered that it would hurt my mom if I was excited to see my dad . . . and I don’t think she ever considered that I was innocent in my feelings. It wasn’t until I was old enough to articulate my feelings that she ever stopped to think about my perspective. Kids are innocent. It hurts, but it’s not their fault.” — N.