Ashamed Of Extended Breastfeeding
Ashamed Of Extended Breastfeeding
by (nsfmg) Community
The (nsfmg) Roundup: All the DMs we posted on Instagram Stories, collected in one place.
From Our Instagram Feed Post dated August 10th, 2020.
"Hey Mom Group:
I am breastfeeding beyond a year and I feel so much pressure to stop. My little guy has health concerns which has made me want to go past the year mark. I feel like everyone asks if I'm almost done, or if I'm ever going to stop. Or, they say things like, "he will be 3 and on the boob!" I feel ashamed to feed him in public because he's older . . . I feel judged. We always hear that people get judged for formula, which is ridiculous — do what works. But, I don't hear much about the shame and pressure from others that comes along with extended breastfeeding?" — Anon.
Dear Anonymous:
“This! I could have written this myself. Up to 6 months it was always “you’re going to breastfeed, right?” At 6 months it was, “you’re STILL breastfeeding?” Now at 18 months I get the “she’ll be like the kid in the movie grown ups”. I used to feel intense shame around nursing her since she’s gotten older. Now if somebody says anything hurtful my response is always “she will nurse for however long she wants and you will NOT shame her or me in the process. If you don’t like it, don’t look”. Also “my body, our choice” works well too. Solidarity mama, so much love and respect. You’re not alone. Also FWIW my daughter is very tall and looks and acts more like a 2/3yr old than a 18 month old so I feel it’s even worse.” — S.
“Support to you momma! My son “Extended” Breastfed, self-weaned at 27 months. Got comments often but learned to ignore it all because at the end I was doing what worked and was best for my little one. I’d site the WHO recommendations and laugh that he won’t be in college and still nursing.” — L.
“SAME BOAT! My daughter just turned two. My biggest breastfeeding shamers are my parents. Who say things on FaceTime like “aren’t you embarrassed?” I’m nerrrp! We’re in a pandemic. If the boobies calms her tantrums or whining, then the boobies she will have. It’s good for all of our mental health.” — R.
“I think it works for some people, and it doesn’t for others. To borrow from a wise man, “those who matter, don’t mind. And those who mind, don’t matter.” (Dr. Seuss) If it’s important to you, tell everyone else to mind their own business. I know that’s easier said than done, but you seem confident in your decision, and that can be expressed outwardly too. If you need permission, you have mine, that’s for sure.” -- N.
“Ohhh, yes, everyone suddenly becomes experts at what'll "harm" a child if one decides to breastfeed past a year or whenever that individual seems acceptable. I'm sorry you're getting judged and it's not ok, and as with many things in parenting, this will be a great opportunity to set boundaries: It's yours and your family's choice and that's it, and make it clear that it's not up for discussion or opinions. It will be difficult, but respect setting boundaries now for you and your family will go a long way for other inevitable things that will come up on which others feel they've a place to opine. Lastly, I was in your place when I decided to keep going past a year with my 1st, and others judged and gave their opinions left and right. It's no one else's place and you do what works for you and your family (FWIW, I nursed my oldest until 4, my 2nd until 3, and my youngest is currently nursing at 20 months, and I even nursed through this last pregnancy//tandemed for a bit when the youngest was born. Not saying everyone has to do it like our family chose to, but that nursing past a year is not as uncommon as people may think, and I unfortunately used to be one of those people who judged moms for nursing them once they could eat food, talk, have teeth, "ask for it," etc.)” — A.
“I breastfed my daughter until almost 2.5, and I was grateful to not receive much judgement until we were almost through, but I did get a lot of those comments from my mom like “she’s going to be nursing when she’s 7. I did start doing it more privately as she got older to avoid shame, I think. It is unfortunate that we’re pressured so much into breastfeeding, but ONLY for as long as society deems acceptable, when in actuality most countries breastfeed much longer than we and have been for centuries!” — T.
“I feel like this shaming of breastfeeding older kids happens for a few reasons... In the US it is just not culturally normal/accepted whereas in other countries the opposite is true, it’s weird to not breastfeed your kids until they're older. I also think we tend to project resentment on women who do things that we couldn't do. It's not normal to breastfeed our kids until they're older because our culture is not set up in a way that makes it possible for women to do so here. We have a huge lack of support and women are expected to do way too much with their lives and its still not enough. A lot of women would like to breastfeed longer and can't, its not their fault, but i think we have a hard time celebrating others accomplishments and make snide comments from a place of resentment and jealousy. My biggest point is that others comments are usually more about them than they are about you so do what works for you.” — A.
“I felt the same way - those comments hurt so I just stopped talking about it and did all BF sessions at home. My son weaned slowly and in his own time right before his 2nd birthday. At that point I was ready to be done too.” — E.
“People having opinions about other women’s breastfeeding sounds to me like any other way people try to control women’s bodies. Our culture is practiced at attempting to control what we wear from the time we are pre teens, how we speak, even access to health care — why would how we feed our children be any different. It’s like they’re saying “hurry up and make your breasts for sex (for men) again”.” — K.
“I know it’s hard but drown out the noise. I nursed my son until eight before his 3rd birthday. I always knew I’d know when to stop. And I did. And I’m glad I went as long as I did and I’m proud I listened to my body and brain. KEEP GOING until YOU or your child are ready to stop. Some practical perspective though: I did eventually stop nursing in public because it felt more comfortable to keep it as something for home once he was around 2-2 1/2. Again, it’s all so personal depending on your comfort level.” — E.
Our culture is practiced at attempting to control what we wear from the time we are pre teens, how we speak, even access to health care — why would how we feed our children be any different? — K.
“I’m feeling this a lot! Still nursing my twins at 18 mo (which I never would have predicted) . . . everyone from husband to parents to paediatrician is ~concerned~ and super judgmental. I don’t get it. I’m trying to gradually wean them but am also trying to follow their cues and . . . lil dudes still wanna nurse a lot. It is really frustrating that people aren’t supportive, especially when breastfeeding until 2 is common/suggested in so many other places.” — C.
“Same exact situation here — my son is 16 months and nowhere near stopping. He’s developmentally delayed and underweight among other things and also none of that matters because he isn’t done, and neither am I. I actually thought he weaned himself last week but we were both inconsolable and after much research (shoutout Kellymom.com) I realized it was actually a nursing strike, and not weaning. This is after everyone I know and love was like, “congrats! He’s weaning! You’ll get your freedom back!” It was all meant with good intentions but that’s not what I wanted to hear. In summary: the world we live in isn’t set up to understand or support prolonged breastfeeding but it doesn’t matter. What’s right for you and your baby is what matters, and you both know what that is. Sending you love and solidarity!" -- Q.
“Also, please, a note on language: there are multiple ways to breastfeed your baby — when you mean nursing, say nursing. When you use “breastfeeding” when what you really mean is “nursing,” it’s excluding people who breastfed but didn’t nurse (exclusive pumpers, supplemental nursing, etc).” — A.
“WHO guidelines say it’s good to breastfeed up to 2 years or as long as it’s “mutually beneficial" for mom and baby. Tell commenters a joke: Knock knock. Who’s there? Nunya — Nunya who? NUNYA BUSINESS!" — M.
“I had low supply with my daughter, so everyone seemed to question why I was breastfeeding at all from the start. I stuck with it because I felt like it was good for her and for me, despite being mostly for comfort as 3/4 of her feedings were formula. We nursed until I got pregnant again when she was 29 months. At that time she only nursed in the morning and at bedtime, and I only told maybe 3 people I knew that wouldn’t judge me for it. Our breastfeeding journey wasn’t easy, but I wish I hadn’t felt so ashamed during that last year or so. I’m really proud we made it that long considering what a rough start we had. I didn’t think I’d be able to breastfeed at all and look at what I was able to provide her!” — J.
“Haha judgey people can kiss my ass if they think I’m weaning my 17 month old as we enter both flu and an intensifying covid season. If someone is spending any time thinking about me nursing my kid, they need to find a hobby." — L.
“Oh my gosh I got SO much pressure from my wife’s family to stop nursing before one and plenty of little comments and “jokes” about how I’d have to nurse before kindergarten drop offs or he’d want a quick sip before his kindergarten graduation at the rate we were going. I did start to feel judged after 18 months. I had hoped he would stop on his own but then the pandemic hit and I felt guilty for wanting to stop when there are great health and immune system benefits. I nursed him a few months into the pandemic and then could not stand it anymore . . .” — K.
“I breastfed my first until she was 26 months old and I was 8 months pregnant . . . my mother literally thought I was insane and could not comprehend and she was just the proudest when I told her I weaned my daughter. Thankfully I was emotionally ready and it didn’t send me into depression . . . I breastfed her for 26 months — that time we had is over. There are very little intimate snuggles with her anymore especially now that I have my second. Cherish those moments.” — J.
“We weren’t able to get that far for a variety of reasons, but the judgement started for us already, at Christmas with my 4 week old, who was 3 days fresh out of the NICU. An aunt said to me: “it’s really cool you were able to breastfeed despite everything you guys went through, but you’re not going to be one of those weirdos who breastfeeds their toddler right? You’re good now, but in like 6 months aren’t you worried about missing out on family time because you have to go off and breastfeed?” And the whole family got quiet and waited for my answer. No support. I was astounded. I wasn’t going to go hide to breastfeed but felt clearly pressured to immediately.” — R.
“I hate to admit that before I had my daughter I was someone who was judgy about timelines. After having a baby of my own I think often about how much I regret that judginess. (A great big ‘sorry’ to the universe on that one! )My goal was to nurse 6 months and I made it 7.5 before she wasn’t interested. It broke my heart. No one but you and your baby knows what’s right for you and your family. So much love and support to you, Mama!!!” —L.
“I only breastfed for a couple of days, despite trying to continue for several weeks after that. Too much pain, too many issues in general during the first several months postpartum. I would have given anything to breastfeed for even a few months and would have done it for as long as she would have. If you are both still happy and it’s working for you, keep doing it. Tell everyone to STFU. “This works for us.” And then try to change the subject.” — M.
“Ugh. You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Tell everyone to fuck off and mind their own tits. No, but seriously, try not to let them get you down. You’re doing your best and what’s working for you two, and that’s a beautiful thing. No shame in that!” — K.
“Ugh. One of my favorite parts of breastfeeding WAS getting away from my family at family events, that would’ve been my response.” — M.
“I’m in the exact same boat with the secrecy. I ended up telling only a few people about my low supply and instantly regretted it due to their pitying looks and constant “aww . . . how is breastfeeding going...?” questions with a heavy dose of sad face. Yeah, NOT WELL, Karen! I wish I had kept it all to myself. I breastfed as much as I could, end of story. Thankfully this all happened during covid so I had space. If I had had to crack out the formula at family gatherings I would have wanted to crawl under a rock and hide. I HATE the pressure we put on moms to do EBFing because it really takes a toll when it’s just out of our hands. And I feel a boiling inner rage every time I see a Mom going on and on and IG about their beautiful breastfeeding journey, all the eye contact, the bonding, etc. I’m pregnant again and am going to try everything I can to get it to work this time, but I know I’m not alone if I can’t. And if anyone reading this relates: you’re not alone, sister.” — T.
"I’m horrified at the pressure not to nurse! When my daughter was 5 months old, I was with my husband’s family for Thanksgiving and I was told I could use the spare bedroom upstairs to “feed the baby in private.” I was young, it was my first baby, and I was too shocked to protest (she’d get an earful if I heard that now). But boy was I happy to have an excuse to slip out repeatedly over the course of that day. My daughter was a 5 minute eater, but I hid in that room for a solid half hour at a time that day. The lack of support for new moms in general is shit, forget about nursing moms. I really feel that the worst judgement comes from the older moms whose children are older/grown because clearly they did everything right." — C.
“Let's please not make the assumption that all women that couldn't or choose not to breastfeed are bitter and resentful of those that do. I was pissed and discouraged by the judgey people the same way you are, not at all moms that breastfeed. The problem is people thinking that others parenting decisions are somehow their business.” — Anon.
“Me too. I wasnt able able to breastfeed my son after trying for four months. He just kept dropping weight because of jaw and neck weakness from birth trauma. (He has now had 8 months of PT and is so strong!) But my awkwardness around nursing mothers is 100% resentment driven. I'm still heartbroken it didnt work for us. I know I'm reacting from a place of jealousy but it's one thing to be self aware and another to change behavior. I'm working on it.” — C.
“I continued breastfeeding my first for way longer than I planned on, because I was exclusively pumping for my second. My poor NICU baby was in there for three months, and without my other baby to feed in the mornings or knock out at naptime, I would not have been nearly as successful producing. Pumping is hard. Pumping doesn’t generate all of the warm fuzzies that breastfeeding does. Shout out to the dedicated mommas pumping for their babies, because that is one of the hardest most thankless part of this journey." — S.
“To those mums who are sad to give up Breastfeeding I was too. My second child breastfed for over 2.5 years and eventually I felt the time was right to stop. Although honestly I think she would have kept going for a lot longer. She just loved breast feeding. Anyway my point is some babies / toddlers just don’t want to stop and that’s ok. I didn’t want to stop either. But to replace the closeness my daughter and I ate cake instead at a local cafe - and I cherished that time with her. Obviously covid has messed that up temporarily. But the idea still works. Find something else to do together to keep a close quiet bond.” — A.
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