I'm Losing Sleep Over Sleep Training

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I'm Losing Sleep Over Sleep Training

by (nsfmg) Community

The (nsfmg) Roundup: All the DMs we posted on Instagram Stories, collected in one place.

From Our Instagram Feed Post dated August 25, 2020.

"Hey Mom Group:

Can we talk about postpartum sleep? I just had my second baby four weeks ago, my second turned two three weeks ago. Four weeks in I find myself obsessing over sleep again, when I swore I wouldn't do it this time. I continue to wonder, is baby getting enough? Why is she so hard to put to sleep? I thought newborns slept all the time? Then I head down the same rabbit hole of reading (listening to) sleep books and searching for answers. "Don't nurse her to sleep" "don't co-sleep", "don't be a fucking psycho just because you only slept in one hour intervals and need to be a good partner and mother tomorrow." I'm at a loss - if I look up another sleep consultants website I will lose my mind. How do people cope with this?" —  J.

Dear Anonymous:

“Oof. This conversation brought me back. I used to find myself going down these types of rabbit holes all the time. My kids are 3 and 2 now and I’ve realized that, for us, no one method is ever a perfect fit. We take bits and pieces that resonate and eventually find our groove. The best advice I was ever given was to be wary of any method or advice that starts with “always” or “never”.” -- G.

“I think the main goal is to get the mom enough sleep to feel good and function. Co-sleeping? Great. Sleep training? ALSO GREAT. If whatever you’re doing is working? Wonderful. If not, find any system and give it a shot. I love The Happy Sleeper. It was gentle + structure. I know lots of friends who have appreciated their sleep coach. Pick literally anyone. It’s mostly an outside person giving the mom permission to put some of her needs first! You deserve to rest. What that looks like is up to you.” -- O.

“3 babies in and my advice is do what works until it doesn’t anymore. Nurse to sleep until it becomes a problem. Worry about it then. There’s nothing you can do that’s so “wrong” that it can’t be undone later!! Each baby is different and you’re both learning together. Give yourself some grace and ask for help to sleep when you need it. Solidarity, mama!” -- K.

“I second @takingcarababies! I wish I’d found her when I had my first, but following her and doing her newborn course has made it so much easier with my second. She has a ton of free content in her highlights, feed, and blog. Following her steps still lets me snuggle my baby as much as I want, and I still get to let her sleep on my chest/in my arms/while baby wearing. Other sleep consultants I found on social media while I was pregnant made me anxious about sleep all over again, but Cara’s approach makes so much sense to me and helped calm me down.” -- R.

“Here’s the thing. Babies aren’t born learning how to sleep. We have to teach them. That’s insane, right? I’ve now sleep trained 6 babies, and I could have taught them it’s normal to sleep on a bath mat if I wanted ? The first 12 weeks are *supposed* to be with a baby who wakes every 2-3 hours. It’s their mechanism to stay alive. There’s also a 4 month sleep regression. After that, whatever coping mechanisms you’ve put in place, babies are going to expect until you teach them otherwise. Sleep training is magical.” -- S.

“Omg is there a thing with sleep and PPA? My PPA was soooo triggered by sleep. I would literally just sit there on egg shells every time my little one was sleeping. Almost standing vigil to make sure zero noise was made. I have some cats that are noisy and meow a lot (Bengals) and I absolutely hated them for the first year of my baby’s life because I was always terrified they would wake her. Anyway my heart goes out to all these other moms. My little one is almost 2 now and I find myself being pretty chill about sleep but I’m sure it’s because now I’m medicated ?” -- S.

“Baby #3 is 4 mo. old and even though I said I wouldn't obsess about sleep with my last baby, I'm definitely still doing it and it's all I think about. But I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. Sleep is important to me and I feel better when I know they are getting good sleep. So while I'm trying to not get all worked up about it this time when it's not perfect, I'm still being super strict about following the "rules" to get good sleep because apparently that's just who I am. Sleep is more than 50% of what your baby does in a day, I've decided it's ok to care a crap load about it going well.” -- A.

“Mama, you’re in the vortex. It’s gonna be ok. Put down the google. Nurse to sleep if that gets babe to sleep. Co-sleep if that gets you both to sleep. I’m 13 months in and I am living breathing proof that you can do those things and have a toddler who eventually sleeps in their own bed. If you’re a fucking bitch because you’re tired then oh well. You’re partner can handle it. It’s not forever. You can do this.” -- C.

“I have a five (almost 6) and three year old. Three words . . . It. Doesn’t. Matter. My older one was super easy and I followed a schedule. She was a fantastic sleeper and on a good schedule from 6 weeks on. No bad habits to get her to sleep. She’s the worst sleeper ever from about 3 years old on. She had her tonsils and adenoids out when she was 4.5. It has helped somewhat but not nearly enough. Some nights she’s awake FOR HOURRRRRSSSSS. The younger one, I held him to sleep. I rocked him. I held him almost all night every night the first 3 months of his life. He literally mentally broke me with his shit sleep... and [that is]  why he is the last baby... he is the best sleeper now. I throw him in his crib after we read a book and close the door. He usually sleeps more than 12 hours at night and takes a nap. Either my husband or I still have to lay with the older one to get her to sleep. So really... save your sanity. One day they will sleep. Some as babies... some as toddlers and some as teenagers ?” -- A.

“Sooo relatable. My first is 2.5 yo and my second is 3 weeks. I also swore I wouldn’t google baby sleep stuff second time round. The only thing that’s really helping me is knowing for sure that every stage is temporary this time ;) Sending encouragement but don’t really have advice other than listen to yourself and try to limit the googling. It will likely hurt more than it helps.” -- Z.

“I feel like it’s all bullshit anyway. But it was so bad with our first. My 20 month old sleeps so well. But the 4 yr old still wakes up overnight and often. We’ve recently had a good week and I think is this finally it? But I’m sure it will all fall apart. And I will still obsess over sleep and they’re very close to 5 and 2!! I sleep trained the shit out of the 4 yr old. #2 just slept. Her personality does not need what my 4 yr old apparently needs to sleep. I now really believe that in addition to all that “stuff” there is some innate thing that makes them sleep or not. We seriously debated not having a second child because neither of us thought we could handle another bad sleeper. It’s so hard. Hugs.” -- N.

“I feel ridiculous pressure to get my second baby to sleep through the night. As I heard from so many people, I did it “wrong” with my first because we co-slept. Mind you, she slept 12 hours pretty quickly and I was able to sleep once I got my issues with ppa/ppd under control. Truthfully, I was going through so much emotionally,  I couldn’t wrap my head around schedules and training. This time, I’m very closely following a program (not perfectly because who the fuck can do that??) and my almost 4 month old is still waking up during the night or getting up at 5 am instead of 7 am. While I’m using a program, I feel like they are making moms think if their baby doesn’t sleep 12 hours in a crib and put their little selves to sleep they did something wrong. Don’t get me wrong, when I get a 9 hour stretch of sleep and my baby is in her crib, it’s really amazing. I want her to sleep. But a lot of my time is spent worrying about wake windows and naps and it’s kind of exhausting. I also think we are expecting a lot from these babies. Of course they want to be cuddled and rocked to sleep. Of course they’re comforted by nursing/drinking a bottle/using a pacifier. I hate when people say don’t ruin your baby by doing X,Y and Z, but I’m so guilty of trying to avoid these so-called sleep mistakes. It’s a lot and I feel this mama’s struggle.” -- M.

“I spent the first two years (!) of my sons life obsessing about his sleep and how to fix it! Sleep deprivation was the hardest thing about having a baby. I developed post natal anxiety and my counsellor helped a lot but basically said she couldn’t do any more until the baby was sleeping better because my anxiety was directly related to sleep deprivation or the stress caused by thinking about how he should sleep all the time. I read every book too, I couldn’t persist with sleep training after trying once or twice. I just think today’s society is all wrong thinking babies need to sleep through the night so mom can get back to work or whatever. People told me all sorts of tricks and that also stressed me out. Baby number two is 4 months and I have not stressed or over thought his sleep at all! Probably because wirh a 3 year old I know I won’t be able to sleep when baby sleeps in the day so I don’t care when he naps and he is generally LOTS better at sleeping at night too. This time around I have lots of support though, Iive with my parents and brother and husband working from home because of covid and think just not being alone all the time with a baby has helped my mental health immensely.” -- N.

“I was the same way. And I never found a “solution”, we just grew out of it. And now that my baby has turned into a toddler, this obsession has just moved to other things, is she eating enough etc. I have kind of realized that I was and still am, looking for a solution to these problems and now know that sometimes there just isn’t one — we just have to suffer through this shitty phase?. The baby grows out of it and there’s a new focus. Probably not helpful but I really relate.” -- L.

“The best advice I ever got, from a lactation consultant, was to get a 4-hour block of uninterrupted sleep every 24 hours, which is apparently the magic number to not go insane. It meant pumping/someone else bottle feeding once a day so I could be out of sight for 4 hours. It really helped my overall mental health which allowed me think more rationally in all areas.” -- M.

“Sleep was/ is my biggest PPA/PPD trigger. I feel for this mama. Not a ton of advice, but I’d definitely start therapy / look into meds the second time around for myself.” -- A.

“I have my first (and likely only) 8 month old and my obsession over following sleep schedules, researching short naps, and generally trying to control everything for months led me into postpartum depression and stole my joy for a good while. I started on meds about two months ago and it helped tremendously with my overall mindset. That and finding some great accounts like this one on Instagram pulled me out of [the] hole. I looked back at pics of her on my phone and felt like I was missing out on my own child. Still trying to learn that I can only really control my own outlook.” -- K.

“I am definitely traumatized from my first, who still at 2.5 doesn’t sleep through the night. I was a human pacifier for months and then she woke at 5am for the day for months. Zero joy in motherhood for the first year due to sleep issues. Planning to go really hardcore schedule and sleep training and sleep consultant with the next one. Idk what else to do.” -- R.

“Not sure how people cope either. In days/weeks away from having my second and my first is 19 months. Trying to mentally prepare myself now for not being psycho but not sure how I’ll actually react when the time comes.” -- M.

“Oh god. I totally sympathize. My second is now 8 months old (20 month gap between him and his sister) and I was OBSESSIVE about his sleep in the early weeks and months. I will say that I’ve found that a little bit of perspective has really helped me chill the fuck out this time around! We still try to stick to a schedule but I’m finding that it’s a whole lot easier to shrug pretty much everything off as a phase with him..I never really managed that the first time around. No real advice other than that... but it does get easier, I promise! Whether nursing to sleep, co-sleeping or not sleeping at all - nothing lasts forever. And don’t feel like you need to “enjoy every minute” because that is, quite frankly, bullshit.  Solidarity mama!!” -- R.

“Honestly, we’ve tried so. many. things. My baby is 6 months and it seems like his sleep habits change day to day. From 3-6 months we used a Merlin sleepsuit and anyone who wanted to judge it, well ??. You’re not dealing with a screaming baby at 2 am either. That and the only other thing that has consistently worked for us is somewhat tracking “wake windows.” At least then if/when he’s screaming his head off, I have a better idea of why and feel like I can better manage my personal anxiety and stress around it. Sending happy (and sleepy!) thoughts your way. You can do this!” -- N.

“The best resource I’ve found is @takingcarababies. Sorry, she’s technically a “sleep consultant”, but I found her method to be realistic and addressed the imperfections of life with babies better than others. Because she provides logical methods and allows you to meet the baby where they’re at, you can actually make progress.” -- L.

“Omg the sleep post resonated with me so much. I have a 6-month-old and she isn't a "good" sleeper. I'm up several times a night and often bring her into bed with me. Because of that, my husband sleeps in the guest room. It works for us but I'm embarrassed about it. I also am so sensitive when asked how she sleeps - I swear I'll never ask another mom about her baby's sleep now that I know what it's like. I didn't know there were so many "rules" about sleep until I started googling when we hit the regression. I haven't sleep trained even though I've read so much about it I could be a freaking sleep coach. I do everything wrong with sleep - I'm holding her while she naps right now!! But I also continually tell myself that I'm going to miss this one day. Time is already passing so quickly and one day she won't want to cuddle with me.” -- A.

“I have a 22 mo and a 3 week old...I was also obsessed with sleep with my first and it was a big thing that made me feel like I was sucking at being a mom.  My first didn’t sleep through the night until she was 13 mo;  I swear I have PTSD from it and I think it was a huge contributor to my PPD.  I have been on Zoloft for a while now and I’m not sure if it’s the meds, the fact that it’s my second time around, or that my 3 week old is just more chill than my first baby...but I just don’t care as much.  I keep thinking that I made it with my first baby (and it was truly terrible), I will make it with this one too.” -- I.

“I went through the same and spoke to three sleep consultants before realizing that I didn't like someone passing judgement on my habits. What helped me was speaking to my mom about how she dealt with us kids in the late 80s when we were born when none of this consultant for everything was there. She said something simple that she was less stressed about all of this and she didn't think it was as big a deal and maybe that went down to me sleeping fine as a baby, or at least not horribly. So I keep that in mind, that millions of moms before me did it and I'll figure it out without someone telling me how to.” -- M.

“No advice here, but in the same boat. First time mom, our lovely baby boy is 4w old and I obsess so much over 'laying good sleep foundations' when all I honestly want is to snuggle him all day and just enjoy the moments he sleeps on me…” -- M.

“My first reaction was to laugh because this is totally going to be me. My PPA was most evident and triggered by my obsession with the baby’s sleep. And knowing that now I tell myself I won’t obsess with the next baby, but I was anxious just reading this. I have no advice other than to say what my therapist told me. Obsessing over their sleep just gives you the illusion of control.” -- D.

“I don't think it has to be complicated, stay off the internet and do what works for you and your baby. I'm four months in with my second and sleep consists of nursing to sleep, co sleeping, and passing the baby to someone else when I need a nap! It works for us and I refuse to feel guilty that I'm doing motherhood wrong.” -- A.

“No idea. Just no idea. It was brutal for me the first time around and is part of the reason I can’t imagine having a second even though I want another child. I’m so terrified of going through it all again. No helpful words here, I’m sorry, just sending you all the best possible breathe-through-it / wishing you some hours of rest vibes.” -- M.

“Hey mama, you do what works for your family. You know your kids and family best and there is no better mom for those kids on this planet than you. You got this mama!” -- L.

“Nursing to sleep and co-sleeping were literally the only way I could get any sleep in the early months. Co-sleeping is great, and if done safely there are so many benefits for you and baby. Lyndsey Hookway is a great source of information on gentle parenting techniques x.” -- C.

“In the same boat with my 5.5 month old. All people want to know about him is how he is sleeping! Our friends have done sleep training and then I feel like I should too but I also feel like I should trust my instincts! . . .

The whole baby sleep industry is a money making one that seems to thrive on creating fear and insane expectations in mothers and babies.

I’ve gone down the google, books, sleep PDF rabbit hole and it makes me feel so shitty. Also makes me feel like my main focus with my happy baby is my obsession with his sleep instead of appreciating him as a whole human not just one who sleeps.” -- N.

Some Resources to Help You Out -

Books:

The sleep consultants:

The gear:

Other philosophies and methods:

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