I Don't Want to Have Sex Anymore
I Don't Want to Have Sex Anymore
by (nsfmg) Community
The (nsfmg) Roundup: All the DMs we posted on Instagram Stories, collected in one place.
From Our Instagram Feed Post dated August 21, 2020.
"Hey Mom Group:
My child is two and my husband and I have not had sex since he was born. Before being pregnant I had little to no sex drive, mostly because I felt (and feel) like a huge disgusting pile of garbage at all times. Pregnancy was great for me; I felt stable. But, since giving birth, I feel even worse about myself. I never have a single moment to myself because [my partner and I] work opposite shifts: I’m either at work or with the baby. My lack of sex drive was a point of contention before having a baby, and it’s not much better now. I don’t have any desire to have sex with anyone, myself included, and just don’t see myself ever wanting to again." — Anon.
Dear Anonymous:
“Our daughter was born 7 months ago and we’ve recently had sex for the first time. I was not feeling it AT ALL. I’ve always really enjoyed it, but this time I could not get into it at all and actually for the first time ever didn’t orgasm. I felt horrible. My husband was great about it, but I still feel super disappointed at myself and i have no idea what to do or how do reignite my lost sex drive.” -Anon.
“Seeing that someone has had this issue for two years makes me feel better that I am not alone, but also makes me worry! Since becoming a parent 8 months ago I feel like having sex is another obligation to keep my husband happy on top of everything I do to keep the baby happy all day. It doesn’t help that thanks to C-19 we have no breaks or support. I don’t have any advice unfortunately but want to let this mom know she is not alone and definitely not crazy either. The guilt makes it feel even worse.” -A.
“I have felt this way before, too. Alisa Vitti’s Womancode program helped me adjust my hormones and feel better.” -M.
Between PP hormones, a stressful mental load, and feeling like I always look like fucking Beetlejuice, I am just not vibing.
-- K.
“Your feelings are super valid and relatable. I have a feeling you will get a lot of advice about things to try (which can be super helpful, but it can also be overwhelming and not actually change anything for you). Before attempting anything else, please [condider talking to] a healthcare professional. You could have something hormonal going on that can be (relatively) easily fixed.” -S.
“Saaame! Between PP hormones, a stressful mental load, and feeling like I always look like fucking Beetlejuice, I am just not vibing. No pun intended. But yeah, I find that keeping the communication very clear to my hubs that it’s not him, but me, has been super helpful for relieving tension. Supplementing with a little foreplay also goes a long way. Lol.” -K.
“I feel this. My baby is turning 1 next week and we haven't had sex since conceiving her. My husband was squicked about having sex while I was pregnant, then I had pelvic floor issues from birth, then we were both exhausted from baby girl being a bad sleeper, and she slept in our room until 7mo. It doesn't help that I'm still breastfeeding and have no libido to speak of. I don't know what the solution is. How does everyone else come back from a dead bedroom after baby?” -S.
“You’re not alone mama! I too have struggled to get into the mood before we conceived and now with a 10 month old ! I feel like it’s another chore added to my to do list! Pun intended ! Recently started seeing a therapist & hopefully it’ll help ! Hang in there, you’re doing great!” - Anon.
“I have a decent self love life. But sex with the husband feels like just one more chore after a long day of doing chores. I miss feeling desire. And it’s not just him. I don’t feel sexual interest in anyone.” -S.
“I didn't have low sex drive prior, but sex during pregnancy and since pregnancy has been super weird! My body doesn't react the way it used to, even beyond general sex drive. My husband and I were expecting it to be, so we've just been going slow (pretty infrequently, cuz we're both exhausted) and experimenting with what works and doesn't with a new body..but it's also helped that I have made time for myself to try to reconnect with my body (even when I didn't necessarily feel sexy). Remember that orgasms are a physical release for YOU outside of sex. It's also helped me reconnect with my pelvic floor and lower abs, and the regular sex life is still a work in progress.” -J.
“I beg all the folks feeling this way to check out @enagoski’s book, “Come As You Are.” I found it life-changing. She specifically talks about the loss of sex drive after having a child.” -T.
“For me it's just another chore, too. I don't have problems with having orgasms, but I simply don't need them. No desire at all.” -A.
“Yes to this! I’m about 4 months postpartum, and am struggling with balancing “wifely duties” while being a new mom, a step-mom, and trying to keep part of my own self and sanity.” -J.
“Baby is coming up on 1 year and still haven’t had sex really since we conceived her. It’s mostly that we are both TIRED. End of the day, I don’t want to do anything but sit on the couch and zone out via TV or phone. We talk about it and there are times when I do feel sexual. I also am a little scared like “do I even know how to do this??”” -K.
“Yes, like sex is something you have to do on top of taking care of the kids/baby. My husband says he’s fine and understands, but every so often he talks about how he just misses my touch. Dude, I’m touched out! Do you know what I miss? Alone time, where nobody is touching me or expecting ANYTHING from me.” -A.
“Also, if you've never watched porn, try watching porn to get in the mood. Just, ya know, beware of the "inflating the male ego by treating the woman like a depository instead of a partner" vids. Unless you're into that. Obvi. #NoJudgement “ -B.
“What kind of healthcare professional should we reach out to about low sex drive? OB/Gyn? Endocrinologist? I went to a doctor who owns a “wellness” practice (Botox and the like) who tested my blood and found that I have problematically low testosterone. She recommended the testosterone pellet (implanted under the skin) but it isn’t currently FDA approved for use in women, likely because there hasn’t been enough testing of it in women and there could be bad side effects, so I didn’t go through with it. I guess it’s no surprise that our sexist system hasn’t done enough research into the one treatment that seems to really help women with this low sex drive, et. al. Testosterone hormone therapy has been commonplace for men for years, but is emergent and still risky for women due to lack of research.” -M.
“Supposedly breast massage (if you feel like it) is a great place to start. I do it in the shower or the bath, I try to most days, for a few minutes at a time (that's all I have time for with twins haha). It certainly releases tension for me.” -L.
“I read this sitting next to my husband after having a conversation last night about why I don’t want to do it AT ALL rn. I barely feel like a human let alone a sexual being — all I do is feed the kids, clean up, cook, wipe both their butts, use up alllll of my words and bandwidth. I have nothing else to give anyone. Nada. Zip. Zero. Thanks to the OP for bringing it up. Fuck this (not literally ??).” -A.
“On top of all this we are in the middle of a pandemic. No help or relief with the baby and we are both at home. There’s no dressing up to go out. Barely wear makeup anymore. Can’t even think about trying to get into “sexy” lingerie. We are together constantly and it’s definitely not helping. I also eat my stress and feelings so I hate being naked. I don’t recognize myself at all anymore. Truthfully, I’m just trying to get us through the pandemic and I’ll worry about it later. At least that’s what I keep telling myself...” -B.
“Major issue here as well, as even prior to having a baby our sex drives were mismatched. Post-baby, sex feels like another chore, another need of someone else’s that I’m responsible for despite my feelings towards it. We’ve settled on scheduled sex once a week and it has helped considerably. I no longer feel this looming pressure every time we’re alone and he seems satisfied as well.” -K.
“She’s not alone at all. I can probably count on two hands how many times we’ve had sex since my almost six year old was born. He did work overseas for the first 2 years, but it hasn’t gotten better since my almost three-year-old was born. It has caused issues. On top of taking care of the kids and being touched out all the time, I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy a year ago and even if I want to, I don’t have the energy to make the effort. Hang in there. ❤️” -E.
“I feel like this poster could be me! We want to try for baby number two next spring-- will we just have sex to conceive again and go back to abstinence? Does it matter that I don't think I'd mind that?” -J.
Pelvic FloorPhysical Therapy:
“I also just want to chime in for any moms who are avoiding sex because of pain. You don’t have to live like that! Pelvic floor therapy made such a huge difference for me. I had a grade 3 tear and after surgery and months of PT I literally had sex yesterday for the first time in 10 months and it was 100% pain-free!” -K.
“I just finished pelvic floor PT and it totally changed my quality of life since having my Little one a year and a half ago. For so long, I knew sex would hurt so I didn’t want to do it. But the other night we had sex and it didn’t hurt! It boosted my confidence (and my midsection stopped hurting all the time).” -A.
“I am one PT session away from being discharged, at 6 months postpartum. PT was amazing at helping me understand my pelvic floor, how it relates to sex and my orgasm. Having her chart my recovery and telling me it’s normal, really helped.” -A.
“7 months PP and starting PT next week. I am optimistic, as I really enjoy sex and hate that it’s painful right now. I don’t connect to my husband in the same way with oral sex and I have such guilt that I can’t have penetrative sex right now. (I want to add that there is zero pressure from him, he is and has been wonderful all through pregnancy and postpartum.)” -Anon.
“I'm a very sexual person but after having my first daughter everything changed. Sex was painful, I was anxious and was quickly losing interest. I told my husband the old way wasn't working for me anymore, and led him through exactly how I wanted to be touched, appreciated, what felt good now that didn't before, what no longer feels good that did before, what I need to feel sexy, what I need done during the day to even mentally prepare for sex. He did everything I asked. It's been different after every kid (I'm 8 months postpartum with our 3rd) but now our sex life is better than before we had kids! We never would've gotten to this point without an unbelievable amount of openness, honesty and communication, between the two of us, and a lot of self-examination and exploration on my own behalf. I would tell this mama to be easy on herself. She's been through a lot, both mentally and physically. It's okay to take some time to explore what that means sexually. ❤️” -J.
Medication:
“Medication like SSRIs and birth control have been a hindering factor to me being in the mood but once its "in process" it's 100% worth it. I always have a knee jerk reaction to say no too quickly - I'm learning to ease up because it’s good for us to have that release as a couple and individually. Its not that I don't want to, it’s getting to that mental space of using the energy that I don’t have in the first place.” -R.
Porn:
“Also a tip I learned is listening to ASMR porn.” -K.
“Yes to Erika Lust! Also Hegre and "lesbian massage" porn.” -B.
“This was me. My husband and I didn’t start having sex again (and even now only 1/wk) until my kids were 3 + 4, and sex was few and far between before I got pregnant too. He cheated on me on and off for 1.5 years after our 1st was born and I think the fact that he wasn’t bothering me for sex was the reason I didn’t care to notice We have overcome it but it took a lot of intentional actions of making myself a priority (which I probably never would have done without a “fuck you” attitude towards my husband) before I decided that sex was something I wanted back in my life. Now I think I want it more than him.” -R.
“Once when my first was 18 months my husband asked me what the sexiest thing I could imagine was. My answer: “crawling into a king size bed with fresh cool sheets, and no one else in the house.” Not being touched had replaced all my fantasies about being touched. A cool bed without my daughter in it sounded like heaven. Hot and sweaty sex and closesness with my husband sounded like hell.Breastfeeding though awesome in so many ways destroyed my sex drive. Self care, alone time, therapy, pelvic floor PT and space to recharge were what eventually brought it back. Plus lots of communication with hubby. I said to him “if you want to have sex with me today I need at least an hour of stress-free down time. The best thing you can do to get laid right now is the dishes.”” -J.
Weaning:
“I felt very uninterested in sex for the first year after my daughter was born. As my milk supply dwindled my sex drive increased but I was an emotional mess. I got pregnant pretty quickly after that and my husband cried because he didn’t want to go another two years (pregnancy and breastfeeding) without intimacy. That pregnancy ended in miscarriage but was an opening for better communication around sex and touch. Talking about it helps me feel wanted and gets me more in the mood.” -J.
“Everything started to fall back into place for me after I stopped nursing. I also hate to say it but what *really* helped getting back into the swing of things was going through the motions of having sex even when I wasn’t 100% interested. I think my husband and I would still be in a sexless marriage had I not done this.” -S.
“I felt very uninterested in sex for the first year after my daughter was born. As my milk supply dwindled my sex drive increased but I was an emotional mess. I got pregnant pretty quickly after that and my husband cried because he didn’t want to go another two years (pregnancy and breastfeeding) without intimacy. That pregnancy ended in miscarriage but was an opening for better communication around sex and touch. Talking about it helps me feel wanted and gets me more in the mood.” -J.
Body Confidence:
“My son is 10 months old and the longer it’s been since he’s been, the more I hate the thought of having sex and being vulnerable, since I feel disgusting in this new body.” —M.
“After becoming a mom for the first time I didn’t find myself sexy or the “old me” that had spunk and sass and flirtatiousness. My first was difficult and I was breastfeeding. I felt like my body was still hers. I didn’t have sex with my husband for 11 months after she was born. He was very good about it but I had to mentally get into it again. Figure out how I could be a mom who was breastfeeding and touched all the time and a wife who wanted to be and feel sexy with her husband. I literally took it back to dating mentality and did all the things. New underwear. Fresh exfoliate and wax and shave. Put on make up and got dressed up (not just jeans and a tee). Got take out. Once we started to do it more I wanted it more. It’s very mental for me. My husband is great about complimenting me and showing me affection but it was my head I had to get out of and work through becoming this new version of myself.” -J.
When Your Partner Is Not Interested In Sex:
“What about when your HUSBAND doesn’t want to have sex after baby? Am I alone in this?” -M.
“Me! My partner does not want sex. We are going on six months right now. Before that was 3 months and before that a whole year. I begged, pleaded, threatened to leave. I'm going to therapy now. All I can do is work on myself. I wish I had advice on how to fix it but I do not.” -M.
“We dealt with this after our 2nd. I thought he was unattracted to me, but he said since we’d had a few miscarriages, he begun associating sex with the chance of miscarriage. He was also just overwhelmed with being a new father again, especially since money had gotten tight and he was now the sole provider. Men go through a lot of the same stresses women do regarding sex and vice versa. Communication helped us.” -J.
“Not alone! This happened to me, too. My first husband had a low sex drive and mine has always been through the roof. He didn’t want to have sex during the pregnancy. Breastfeeding took my sex drive away for a bit, but did come back ~6 months pp. I’m sure that period of time was heaven on earth for him. But then I found myself begging him for sex, and basically being told that I only thought with my vagina. In more kindly terms, he said sex wasn’t important to him. As a result, we are no longer married. And my current partner wants sex even more than I do (and I’m 20 weeks pregnant), so after all that mess we cool.” -H.
“I am experiencing this as well, and it’s very difficult/painful. Daughter is 3.5 and it’s been since conception. I can understand why mothers feel too overwhelmed for intimacy, but I struggle to understand what’s going on for my husband and he doesn’t like to talk about it. Would love to hear what’s helped others!” -A.
“Ugh same. Things were low before we had her and now that she’s here forget it. I couldn’t tell you the last time he initiated sex and he’s turned me down more times than I can count. I’m so jealous when I hear women talk about their husbands badgering them for sex. I’m trying to see these women’s point of views, that maybe this is how he feels and sex is a chore he’s not interested in. My perspective had instead been, this is such a small thing, why can’t you just do it for me?? Like another poster who said she didn’t care to notice her husband’s affair, mine doesn’t care to notice my “text affair”. While it’s not physical, (and still not “right”), it gets me by. This conversation makes me wonder about the morality of affairs and whether it’s fair to ask your husband (or myself, in my case) to never have sex with you AND not get it elsewhere. I don’t want a divorce but I do want an orgasm. Its not reasonable that those things seem to be mutually exclusive.” -M.
IUD's and Hormones:
“I’ve talked to many women who swear their IUDs are messing with them. I myself saw an instant shift when I got mine out. I also feel like I got my brain back, like the hormones had made me fuzzy. And since I and many women get IUDs right after having kids (six week PP appointment), it’s easy to associate the low drive with kids and the rest and not the hormones. Just my and a few other reported experiences, but I’m passionate about sharing it!” -S.
“I got my IUD right after [birth], not only did it affect breast feeding but I wanted sex all the time, and I was an emotional reck. I took it out after a year and my moods balanced, sex drive is more normal, and I stopped gaining weight. That IUD was messing me up! I know they do wonders for other people, but not every shoe fits.” -M.
“[I saw an Endocrinologist]. Mine gave me a script for testosterone cream that you place on your inner thigh. It really all boils down to hormones. I had low thyroid and my pcos kept me from producing enough progesterone, which is the happy feel good hormone for women. I take that and no longer have a period. It’s been amazing!” -S.
“One more note: please read “this is your brain on birth control”, the emphasis of which is more an education on how our hormones impact literally everything about us. I also read the Postnatal Depletion Cure, and have been focusing on diet & supplements in addition to moving my body. It helps so much!!!!” -J.
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