How I Got My Sex Drive Back After Baby (Hint: I Needed to Be Alone)

Sex with your partner. 

Did that phrase get you excited? Did your nether parts get all tingly? Or did you shudder? Do the mere words send you into an anxiety spiral? 

I’d like to start by saying that I am not a licensed sex therapist. I took one Intro to Psych class in college and honestly, if memory serves I may have dropped out. However, I did play unofficial drunken referee to two of my friends who were battling over the merits of anal sex versus blowjobs. We came to a healthy compromise, and I sat across the table extremely satisfied. (Not in the sexual way, unfortunately.) But I came to the realization that so many couples go through challenges with sex. I wish I could shout from the rooftops: “NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT”, despite what Instagram tells you. 

There was a long time, after having a baby, that I felt like I didn’t want to have sex with my partner at all. I didn’t want to have sex, period.

My postpartum healing experience was long and painful. Having a baby felt like someone scooped up my life, shattered it into a million pieces, took those pieces and put them into a jar, shook the jar as hard as possible, and then dumped the shards so spastically that there was no hope of ever piecing them back together. 

My husband and I ended up separating, and it turned my postpartum journey from being unbearable into one of the best things that’s ever happened to me and arguably, to our marriage.

I know, you’re staring at the screen, wondering, “Angie . . . are you ok? Do you want to talk?”

Full transparency, it was hard, like really, really hard. I moved out with my daughter into our own apartment in Hollywood. I had her to myself 5 out of 7 days, hauling her to and from school, without any financial support, and the list goes on. 

However, I also started my dream job, met some amazingly inspiring people who would soon become my best friends, explored a new city, and most importantly, spent time completely alone.  

Before I Got My Sex Drive Back After Baby, I First Had To Find Myself And Fall In Love With Her Again. 

I don’t care how cheesy this sounds. I was able to find myself again outside of my identity as a wife and mother. It was a fresh start, a time where I didn’t have to answer to anyone. I spent my time only doing what I liked, no judgment. And part of that had to do with sex.

In my husband’s and my time apart, I learned a lot about what had been stopping me from wanting to have sex with him. Mostly, I hadn’t been myself for a long time. I’d been lost and had no confidence in anything, let alone in my body, which had become completely foreign to me postpartum.

My once perfectly perky C cups turned into sad and deflated water balloons; my thighs had enough cellulite on them to keep me warm for at least six winters; and the dark circles under my eyes were so bad the family of raccoons living in my yard could have mistaken me as kin. 

I couldn’t recognize myself when I looked in the mirror — there seemed to be an entirely different person looking back at me. Someone who went from a woman who confidently rocked a girls-gone-wild vibe every Halloween to one of Snow White’s seven dwarfs (yup, my daughter was Snow White and I was Sleepy) heigh-hoing straight to bed after a tedious day of taking care of everyone else but me.

I wasn’t confident in my body and who I had become and therefore, had zero desire to share myself sexually with anyone – not even if Chris Hemsworth were propositioning me. It wasn’t anything about my husband or Chris Hemsworth (duh). It was the new person I kept seeing in the mirror that I had to get to know first and love.

By falling out of love with my husband, I found the space and time to fall in love with myself again. That’s when I began to get that “drive” back. The sex-positive attitude that I had as a young woman had the chance to return when I was able to focus on myself and my body. I was released from the stress and pressure I had been subjected to before our separation. . . I finally felt free to be me and yes, I orgasmed again. 

A few months into my husband’s and my separation, we came to another stressor: my father-in-law’s passing. It was a terrible and heartbreaking loss for all of us, and also what became the catalyst that brought us back together.

Of course, the new independent me was not without her conditions. I required that he take two VERY important steps before we could fully reconcile. Therapy for him was essential; I also asked him to get a new job and leave his toxic work environment.

So present day, my husband and I are together again. We moved to an entirely new city, started a new chapter of life, and we are, dare I say, happy. While I wouldn’t consider sex to be the biggest part of our marriage, it is an important part. We have sex at least 2-3 times a week. It’s a way for my husband and I to connect, to feel close to each other. I consider it as a stress reliever and just one of the many ways we say I love you.

These 7 Simple Life Tweaks Tremendously Helped Me Find Self-Love After Baby.

How did I start wanting to have sex (in general and) with my partner again after the baby? It’s a combination of things, but mostly it boils down to the work I put into myself; to the attention I give to my wants, needs, and desires.

Hearing the words “love yourself” can be triggering to some. The onslaught of toxic positivity is truly one of the worst side effects of social media, and any influencer who screams at you to be happy no matter the circumstances, should kindly shut the fuck up.

My advice here isn’t about forcing yourself to feel happy or satisfied when you’re not. It’s about being OK with having negative feelings about yourself and your body, especially after undergoing something so life-changing and body-altering as becoming a mother. To me, loving myself means taking care of me. It is seeing my imperfections and accepting every little part for what it is.

Here are 7 simple life tweaks I made that have allowed me to return to myself, and love myself again. This is the work I regularly put into myself. This is how I take care of me. These tweaks help me feel good daily and eventually are what led me to getting my sex drive back after the baby:

• Meditation and mindfulness

• Exercise

• Daily habits that help give me structure and feel more in control of my days – such as making the bed every morning, cleaning the kitchen at night, waking up an hour before the kids, and taking time for myself

• Self-love and compassion

• Cold showers (yes, I swear it helps)

• Gratitude journal

• Creative outlet (for me, this is writing, but it can really be anything!) 

I could write an entire book on how these practices helped reduce my stress, but there are plenty of other people who already have. If you read one book this year, make it Emily Nagoski’s Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. (She has this workbook too.)

These 5 Exercises Helped Me Reclaim My Passion and Get My Sex Drive Back After Baby.

Self-compassion has been the most important piece in getting my sex drive back after having a baby. I’m not going to bore you with the “you’re amazing, your body is perfect, live-love-laugh” affirmations (even though it’s all true), but the gist here is simple: be fucking kind to yourself. 

When you think you have self-love and compassion covered, here are 5 exercises that helped me reclaim my passion and get my sex drive back after baby.

• Stand in front of the mirror and play a song that makes you feel sexy. Imagine yourself downing Titos in the club as you slowly lose all of your inhibitions, and maybe rubbing up against a cute stranger, or Chris Hemsworth. Look at yourself. Look at the parts of you that you love and tell yourself, “Damn Mama, you look hot.” 

• Next, buy a vibrator or any sex toy that you like, and if you’re afraid of your kids picking it up and using it as a microphone like mine did, then either use your hands or find a better hiding spot. 

• With vibrator or your fingers ready, watch ethically-produced porn or use your imagination. Create fantasies in your head with your partner or again, Chris Hemsworth. Reminisce on past sexual experiences. Nothing is off the table. I try to take at least three minutes a day to do something sexual. I think about what turns me on and it reminds me how much I actually do like sex. 

• Take naked pictures of yourself. Share them with your partner if that gives you an extra self-confidence boost, or save them in a NSFW folder, and look at them whenever you’re feeling low on confidence. This is usually a great exercise after a couple glasses of wine or edibles, but equally as empowering sober. 

• Once you’ve started to pleasure yourself, feel a little better in your skin, and calm the stress (not completely, because who can do that), enter: partner. Literally, if that’s how you like it.

If you’re not quite ready to bring your partner in, do your best to reserve any judgements you may have on yourself. Self-love and compassion, remember? Be patient. Keep the practice and you’ll get there soon.

This Isn’t A Full Treatment Plan To Get Your Sex Drive Back After Baby But It’s What Worked For Me.

Now that you have the few little life tweaks I’ve made and the exercises I practice that helped me reclaim my passion and get my sex drive back after baby, the ball is in your court. Go ahead, see if spending time with yourself gets you your sex drive back after baby too. (Leaving your partner is not a requirement, by the way). See if it translates to a more fulfilling sexual experience whether alone, or with a partner. Better sex IS possible after baby.

Remember, this isn’t a full treatment plan but it’s what worked for me. You and your partner might have communication issues that need resolving, potential medical issues, and things only therapy may fix. But regardless of these things, I still urge you to start with yourself. You may be pleasantly surprised and satisfied (wink wink), when the rest starts to fall into place.