Feeling Selfish While Sleep Training
Feeling Selfish While Sleep Training
by (nsfmg) Community
The (nsfmg) Roundup: All the DMs we posted on Instagram Stories, collected in one place.
From Our Instagram Feed Post dated August 31, 2020.
"Hey Mom Group:
You are all better moms than I am. "Sleep training" my second was me singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" off key and then closing the door while she wailed for an hour. I didn't go back in until 6:30 the next morning. Repeat until no wailing. Same with naps. She's two. Eating is nonexistent. She picks at her food and walks away from it after saying "I don't like it" and making a face. I shrug when she hops down from the table to go play. She's in the 10th percentile for height and weight. When she falls on the pavement I wipe the blood with my shirt and send her on her way. I hope she survives my selfishness. I am completely tapped out and give zero fucks." — A.
Dear Anonymous:
"I find this so triggering for me, after going through infertility to finally conceive our child. I am surprised to even be writing this bc I am the first to admit that motherhood is hard! I am in no way trying to cast judgment, we are all doing the best we can right now and have all felt tapped out x100000. I don’t know why I found it so triggering... Is it first time motherhood? Fear of screwing up? Built up expectations of myself from years of infertility? Who knows. I just felt compelled to share." — R.
"I’m worried about heralding this parenting style as something universally good. I think something good is what best meets the needs of the parent and child (and this will vary from family to family). Some children will thrive under this parenting and others may not (and both cases are okay). Regardless of parenting style, I think it’s appropriate to reach out for help if adult and/or child needs it, wants to try other things, or feels like change." — K.
"Yeah I can’t get on board with this. For the record I am NOT judging this mama or any parent who takes this approach. We all do what we need to survive. But I also can’t blindly follow lend my support to it either. I was parented by a zero fucks mom and my abandonment issues / anxiety tell me that I was NOT fine with it. I don’t think it teaches resilience, I think it teaches our babes that they are on their own. That no one is coming when they cry. That their emotional needs don’t matter to us. And that’s the last thing I want my kid to feel." — C.
“This mom doesn’t say what she gives zero fucks about. Does she give zero fucks about others viewing her as a good mom? About getting a gold star in mothering? About all the pressure to do every little thing right? Awesome. There is no violence there so long as she gives a fuck about her kids in general. I think she’s exhausted. But wiping blood off a kid’s knee with your clothes is such a profound act of love.” — J.
“I think it is key, as a parent, to try to know *when* to give a fuck. If my daughter is being super dramatic about having her hair brushed or my 1 year old wants to nurse for the 50th time that morning, ok, it's time to build some resiliency. If either is in pain or genuinely emotionally distressed, I am right there with the fucks.” — A.
“It's just Instagram, not the red or blue pill.” — I.
“The “Zero fucks parenting” described here is not nearly as violent as the reactions to it. Some of the reactions are shockingly self-aggrandizing. You aren’t owed a safe space that you won’t keep safe for others. And seriously? You need a safe space from a mother who literally was describing sleep training? Something the majority of American mothers are advised to do? You are offended by her rejecting a life of being crushed by the overwhelming guilt mothers are expected to carry about every decision we do or don’t make? Did you read the post? The reactions are pretty ironic. This mother had to stop giving a fuck about the vast opinions of people who judge rather than listen and shame instead of supporting. Are we really this bereft of empathy? Do we really need to make everything about ourselves? Next time you feel judged or afraid to speak your truth I hope you pause to think about the root of why and consider rejecting pearl clutching bullshit by giving Zero Fucks instead.” — J.
“I also give “zero fucks” and what that means to me is not worrying about or not giving any power to judgements towards how I parent... not that I don’t give a fuck about my kids.” — R.
“This is a huge assumption but it sounds like mom is tapped out and in survival mode. I feel compassion for her and her children. I wonder if more support and encouragement would give her more energy to be there for her kids. Or if this is her parenting style but if it's more than that I'd like her to feel seen.” — S.
“This doesn’t sound selfish to me. It sounds like she is meeting her child where she needs to be met. she isn’t leaving her child in the road bleeding. I don’t see the violence. I just see a mom doing her best.” — S.
"1000% THIS. I am definitely a mom who usually gives all the fucks . . . until I’m tired and ‘hangry’. Definitely hit “zero fucks” parenting this morning and let my baby scream her head off so I could finally eat & take care of myself for a change. Filling my own belly made all the difference and I went back to being a responsive parent like I normally am.” — R.
“I felt the OP was more expressing her feelings as a mother because clearly she doesn't give zero fucks. She's sleep training, which takes time and effort and shows a care for her child getting good rest. She's feeding her child without bribes or pushing, creating a healthy association with food. And she's taking care of her child when hurt in the way she sees best. I think there was self deprecation in her comments but lots of love for her child.” — A.
“Stop censoring motherhood/parenthood! It's hard enough without being able to curse and verbalize how hard it is!!” — M.
“I just want to say that I do a lot of things this mom does (sleep training, not forcing food, not making a big deal out of falls and scrapes) and I would consider myself the opposite of a DGAF mom. I do all of those things with a lot of conscious choice, thought, care, compassion and respect for my children, just as I read to them and cook with them and spent all night every night this spring preparing home school. I can’t claim to know more about that mom’s life or kids, and her language (whether her normal tone or a result of the frustration all of us are going through right now) did sound strong. But I agree with many of her choices and don’t think those have to be labeled as careless in and of themselves.” — K.
"Thank you for sharing this! “I actually feel like I actually do the same thing as the “zero fucks” mom, like cry it out and let my kid decide how much they eat (I just provide them with the healthy options). That all being said I give sooo many fucks about my kids. I grew up neglected and basically motherless so caring for my kids is the most important thing in the world to me, but I also put up loving boundaries. I do have to say the post’s replies made me question if I am being neglectful now. Mom guilt is the worst.” — L.
“This post makes me doubt they actually give zero fucks. It sounds more like a coping strategy! When in reality they give so many fucks and struggle to deal with the non-stop pressure to be a good mom. Everyone judges people and no one knows what it is like. Sure some moms are shit but you can’t possibly know that from one post. Keep on keeping on sister!” — E.
“I felt this response completely. I was raised by a zero fucks, narcissist parent(s). My years of therapy unpacking this parenting style did teach me that I am on my own and no one is there for me. It unknowingly affected my relationships for years, still does. Yet for the longest time, I said I was fine. I was even an advocate for this parenting style for all my mama friends. It may work for some but it most certainly did not for me and my mental health.” — J.
“This style worked ok for my older siblings, but I was a much more sensitive child. I’m still dealing with issues of not feeling connected with my mom. But as an adult, I realize my mom was dealing with a lot of trauma and pain while I was a young child, more so than when my older siblings were babies and toddlers. And we are going through a tough time right now. I keep a journal for my daughter so that she can understand how I felt about things when she was young, in case she has lots of questions (like I do) as an adult. I call it an insurance plan for our future mother/daughter relationship. It’s what I wish my mom had done for me since she just doesn’t like to talk about the past.” — H.
“It was triggering for me too because my mother was like this. I appreciate your comment that it’s just a sliver of a life offered in a moment of stress. I hope her and her child are well and have the support they both need. it was affirming for me to hear the reactions of others and say “ok it’s alright that I don’t want to be like my mom and that I do want to be more nurturing. That doesn’t make me the “fussy mom.”” — K.
“THIS RIGHT HERE. I was raised in the same way and am still trying to work through why I struggle with emotion (and why it is so triggering to hear my baby express any emotion, for example, crying).” — M.
“Ah, so I also found this post triggering because this was my mom. And my relationship with her sucks and my ability to trust ppl in general . . . needs work . . . BUT I don’t think we can say anything about this mom . . . On the flip side, I’m so invested in my son and so fearful of fucking him up that I completely neglect myself on the regular. My child is always dressed to impress while I’m in sweatpants. I literally fed him cauliflower rice perfectly seasoned without using salt with a side of roasted butternut squash while I ate pop tarts because I didn’t have time to feed myself. There is something wrong with taking the complete flip side of zero fucks . . . because I think a kid growing up watching an adult completely neglect their needs will create a different kind of damage.” — M.
“It is 80’s parenting. I was left to scream in my pram at the bottom of the garden. Out of sight, out of mind. This conversation is extremely triggering for me, my mum’s parenting style was mainly emotionally absent (some good bits of course) and defended as “making me independent”. Years and years of therapy later, I am very much against being like my mum. It did me so much damage.” — E.
“I thought seeing the comments of support for this mama would help me feel seen, but it’s making me enraged. 80’s parenting isn’t a “style of parenting,” it’s proof that our situation still hasn’t changed. Mom’s didn’t want to be overwhelmed, exhausted and tapped out in the 80’s and we don’t want that for ourselves either. Like everyone else I feel for this mother because I am her, but when are we going to be done with the “you just have to get through it” comments . . . As a country, we have the resources to change this. It doesn’t have to be this way. My daughters are 3 and 5 right now, is this the message they’ll be writing in 20 years? 30 years? Will parents ever get the help they truly need or will we still be calling mothering at the end of one’s rope a “style” of parenting?” — J.
“Thank you for saying this. I’m so disappointed in the lack of sympathy/empathy for this mom and the clear judgement around sleep training. I can’t imagine anyone judging on here for formula vs breast so how is this any different?” — K.
“Yes!! Thanks for saying this. I feel like I’m constantly swinging between these different versions and I appreciate you articulating it better than I could. I am sure this mom loves her kids and if she’s the kind of mom to follow this account, is interested in being the best mom she can be as well as a full person outside of her role as a mom, just like we all are.” — C.
“Thanks for this! So many people triggered by someone’s words makes me think it is really about guilt/shame/worry in their own lives. I didn’t read it as violent. I appreciate the honesty in this group. Less judgement, don’t we do it enough as mothers?” — C.
“Gosh I think the world needs to read this whole message right now and copy/paste with each scenario where they choose to judge x person. You are amazing and made for this moment, Alexis. Thank you for all that you do for us!” — M.
“YES. I don’t comment much but follow along a lot and your response here is why I love this space. I’ve learned so much about different mom-styles and different perspectives. No two children and no two families are the same with the same needs. Thank you for making this such a safe space, Alexis!” — M.
“Thank you for saying this. I think it can be so easy for people to read a paragraph and automatically jump to assumptions as a person as a whole. I can tell you right now, that the mom I am at 2:05pm while my baby is non stop screaming and I’m at my wits end it’s not the mom I am at 2:15 pm when my husband takes baby and I’m alone. This space is for all the moments we feel. Triggers are valid and important to identify but also important to not transfer onto the person that triggered us. Instead, recognize, process and proceed with caution on how we will continue to allow that trigger(s) in our spaces. I’m just venting, I know, but just appreciate admins commenting this. When I saw the responses about being triggered because someone struggled with infertility, I automatically felt defensive for the OP. Who is to say she didn’t either? That struggle doesn’t dictate her entire mothering future. There is no rule that only one feeling can live in our spaces. We can be grateful and honored for the gift of our children, but we can also be overwhelmed and tired of our children and their needs. So thank you for reminding people to not react and assume but rather react and evaluate, and then proceed. Lastly, while I don’t agree with leaving baby to cry for hours, I can recognize that’s not my child and I don’t have to like the way that mom parents her child. I can appreciate that this mom is doing her best. I can see she still offers food and tries to feed her child. I can see she sings “over the rainbow” before she leaves baby. I can see she cares but she’s tired. So, zero fucks mama, you’re doing your best in these moments. Hang in there.” — M.
“Thank you! I’m tired of “no judgment but . . . ” follows by heaping piles of judgment. Thank you for creating a safe space to hold the feelings from all around the clock from all types of moms. I’m a different mom day to day moment to moment and I love that your response honours that, bc to me that is the type of true humanity that depictions of aspirational motherhood so often miss. Keep resisting.” — J.
“Is it just jealousy? That's where most judgement comes from . . . even though we're "not judging" this Mom. If we could give up all the anxiety and non-stop worrying and reading and planning, what would our lives be like? I wish I could give a fuck or two less about my one year old daughter's every nap or meal or how good of a parent I am or if we're doing everything right. In motherhood, I've given up so much that how well she's doing is the only thing that I can hang my hat on and that's not fucking healthy either.” — T.
“I think she explained some unpopular but not unloving parenting choices. I almost never tell people we sleep trained bc that gets a lot of judgment . . . I also don't mention that I hate breast-feeding and have zero intention to continue after my youngest turns one. And I feel very good about that decision. I did what I could, and now I am done. That's healthy for me too. Boundaries have to exist in the relationships we have with our kids so they learn that boundaries are valuable and OKAY. Regarding the feeding, a lot of nutritionists now endorse the no pressure method, so that's just another parenting choice. And frankly wiping the blood with your shirt is a badass move. We aren't all attachment parents, and I hope we can start to leave room for moms that have chose different but v loving methods for their families.” — E.
“Before kids, I had no real opinion of sleep training. Not against it, but maybe not imagining myself having to do it. After two babies and two bouts of PPA in 2 years, I know the lifesaving grace that is a good night’s sleep and a well rested baby. And I got that from sleep training. Also anyone who thinks crying will hurt a child should meet my incredibly high needs 14 month old who has cried for most of his life without exaggeration despite constant engagement and affection and needs meeting from both mom and dad. Despite the crying, he’s met every milestone and is attached to his parents and feels loved every day. Crying (unfortunately for us!) is just how he chooses to express himself and has not hurt him at all. Thank you for creating this space and I’m so sorry for the vitriol. I think we’d be friends IRL.” — C.
“This mother is being vulnerable in a way many of us have possibly never have said or written aloud. I completely respect and applaud this woman for laying bare what so many of us have been feeling or have felt, or will feel at some point on this motherhood journey and will be too afraid to share for fear of judgment. She is offering us such a sliver of herself, her most vulnerable self, and as a result so many of us have been able to breathe a sigh of relief and say “thank god I’m not alone, not the only one.” I just want to thank her for that.” — M.
“I’ve been with (nsfmg) for a long time now and just wanted to say thank you for all the work you do on this page! I can’t imagine how emotionally and mentally draining it can be sometimes to manage this page. When I read the original post my reaction was kinda “yikes . . . I hope that mama and her kiddo are okay and that her kid is eating enough” and yes, maybe judgement a little. BUT. This is the place for confessions like these. The rest of Instagram is where Perfect Moms (tm) live, and if we can’t admit our struggles here, then where can moms actually be safe? That was my second response and decided to refrain from chiming in for this one.” — C.
“I wanted to thank you for the comments in your moderator moments. Very often in the day I too feel like a give zero fucks and am a bad mom: I put little effort into mealtimes for my extremely underweight toddler, you can find me staring at my phone far more often than you'll see me playing with her, and I leave her awake in her crib for an hour or 2 in the morning. I feel very guilty about all of it. But it only tells a small piece of it story. My daughter has special needs and has been in feeding therapy for over 2 years. Creating perfectly balanced meals is an exercise in futility right now because she's still learning how to chew. Her nutritional needs are being met in other ways, and mealtimes are a low pressure place to explore foods. In addition, in between sessions of staring at my phone, we daughter has hours a day of teletherapy sessions. Precovid these took place one on one with therapists without much involvement on my part, but now it's all on me.I need some time to decompress, and while it's certainly not ideal for it comes at the expense of playing with my daughter, I don't think any part of covid is ideal. I don't think anything I've done with my daughter is violent, and I'm not clear on what is violent in op's comment either. I would say the fact that she felt compelled to post in a mom group probably means she actually cares deeply for her child and feels guilty about her perceived transgressions, not that she actually doesn't care about her kid . . .” — E.