The Imaginary Hotel Room Where Mom Wishes Come True
by Alexis Barad-Cutler
This piece was originally published for Motherly on May 9, 2018.
Looking to splurge beyond the ho-hum engraved jewelry, flowers, and breakfast in bed this Mother’s Day? Give the Superwoman in your life the gift of her dreams by sending her for a night (or three) to a place where her wildest fantasies and deepest desires can be fulfilled. Give her the gift of a stay with us at: A Hotel Room Anywhere Alone Without You And The Kids.
What makes A Hotel Room Anywhere Alone Without You And The Kids so special? Guests come to us knowing that no matter which property they choose among our vast collection, they will have a room to themselves with none of you people in it. We provide a welcome escape where she can sit back, relax, and relish in an unforgettable experience of being alone without being asked to do things for goddamn everybody.
Begin the day by waving goodbye to her, and wonder briefly if this may be the last time you’ll see her sweet ass as she high tails it out your front door. Because, as both of you know, she’s about to experience the restorative effects that a stay at A Hotel Room Anywhere Alone Without You And The Kids can have. Yes, in just one night, she will receive the gift of something she hasn’t enjoyed in months, if not years: Sleep. Sweet, motherloving, stretch out in a bed without bumping into someone else’s limbs kind of sleep. Sleep that has not been interrupted by a small human. Sleep that is not punctuated by a tap on the shoulder from you, asking for a little somethin’ somethin’.
Treat her to breakfast in bed, of course – but let us take care of the mess. With many of our hotels offering room service, that special lady of yours will get to experience this iconic Mother’s Day pleasure without the spectre of the fucking mess this is all going to make in her bed (not to mention the kitchen), hanging over her.
If you want to really surprise her this Mother’s Day, get her the “Pampered Mom Package,” which includes:
- A mid-morning nap for no reason.
- That book she’s been trying to finish since she first became a mother.
- A bath in a tub with nary a naked Barbie or moldy bath toy in sight.
- A quiet morning without PJ Masks, Daniel Tiger, or Caillou as the soundtrack.
We also offer “The Full Mommy,” our most exclusive package yet. This package gets you access to some of our hotel’s best amenities and some special take-home gifts, like:
- Judgment-free indulgence into the contents of the mini bar.
- Complimentary access to HBO Go for shameless binge-watching of The Leftovers (because Justin Theroux!).
- A house that has been thoroughly cleaned when she returns home.
- Children who are grateful for her return, but who lay off the guilt tripping.
Celebrating Mom has never been more wonderful! We have hosted guests from who-gives-a-crap-nobodies to sponsored AF Influencers, and every one of our guests agrees that a night in A Hotel Room Anywhere Alone Without You And The Kids is the highlight of their year. And that’s important to us. So don’t waste any more time, and give us a quick Google.
We are located in almost every major city and offer a variety of price points and exciting add-ons to help you customize her stay. With so many options to choose from, you’ll find the perfect getaway for your very own Wonder Woman from our portfolio of A Hotel Room Anywhere Alone Without You And The Kids hotels. Give her an unforgettable day, by leaving her the motherfuck alone this Mother’s Day.